A Funny Thing Happened at UGA

On Wednesday, my daughter Tabetha and I took my oldest son Seth up to the University of Georgia for student orientation and registration.  We got up at 4 a.m. and headed to Athens!  All I can say is, what did we ever do without a GPS?  I have no sense of direction whatsoever.  Seriously.  Some days I have to think about which way to turn out of my driveway!  It's bad.  Thanks to Keith, the Austrailian guy on the GPS we drove straight to the university without getting lost!

So we get there and we get signed in and get our meal tickets and parking pass and we get my son checked into his dorm and then we drive over to Tate Hall for an orientation meeting.  That would not be our last I can assure you!  After a fun introduction they whisked our kids away and left us parents to listen to information about financial aid and something called Dawg Bucks (a credit card to be used on campus) and pretty much told us who to make the check out to.  Several hours later they loaded us parents all onto buses and took us to the dining hall for lunch.  I'm not sure where the kids were but I assume they were fed as well.  Luckily we were among the first to get on the bus so we got a seat right up front.  The air conditioning was blowing and it was a lovely drive across campus to the dining hall.  Dining hall my right eye!  This was more like a food court!  I think I gained my freshman fifteen during lunch!  It was d-lish! After lunch it was back to the bus.  This time we weren't lucky enough to get a seat and we had to stand holding on to those straps hanging from the ceiling.  We're standing there making polite conversation and this one lady compliments my outfit!  I was thrilled!  You have no idea how I agonized over what to wear!  I didn't want to be too casual and wear shorts and a t-shirt, but I didn't want to look like I had tried too hard either.  Turns out khaki capris and a chocolate brown tank with silk ribbon flowers sewn on the left side was perfect! Whew!  Crisis avoided!  I really would have just layed down and died if I had gotten there and looked like country come to town!  My worst fear would to be like the lady from "Macon, Georgia" on the scrunchy episode of Sex and the City!  So anyway, back to me holding on to the strap.  For those of you who don't know, I am vertically challanged.  Try to visualize a 5'2" girl, holding a strap overhead, invading the personal space of the man who is seated.  Picture where my right boob and armpit are.  That's right.  In. His. Face. Then a horrible thought occured to me!  Did I remember to shave under my arms! OMG!  I couldn't remember!  I did know that my legs were clean shaven because the day before a four year old little girl asked me why I had eyelashes all over my legs! Ooops!  Time to shave!  Of course I couldn't look because that would have been awkward and if I had looked and there were "eyelashes" on my armpit I would have just died right there!  Then the bus started to move.  Along with having no sense of direction, apparently I have no sense of balance either.  I felt like a rag doll being dragged around by her arm.  I'm pretty sure the bus driver was taking the turns on two wheels!  I was being slung all over the place, yet I noticed everyone else was standing perfectly erect and chatting with one another like we weren't even moving.  And then it happened.  I got tickled.  I couldn't help myself, I just started laughing.  I was trying to show some class and I wasn't hootin' and hollerin', but I was doing that silent "Mutley" laugh, (remember that dog from saturday morning cartoons?). The tears were pouring down my cheeks.  Then I got my daughter laughing. I thought I was going to wet my pants.  It has happened before.  Seriously.  One time on a girlfriends weekend a friend bought me a box of panty liners just in case I got tickled!  It's bad.  I am days away from needing that bladder tack surgery.  Seriously. I didn't need the panty liners this time though!  Whew!  Another crisis avoided.  Oh, and while I was being slung around I was able to catch a glimpse of my armpit and I'm happy to announce it was eyelash free!

Okay, so we are back at the UGA orientation and if you've ever been you know it is one seminar after another and it goes on  for HOURS!  HOURS I SAY!  So here we are, Tabetha and me, sitting in a lecture hall at one of the last seminars before we break for dinner.  Let me just say, in my defense,  that I had been up since 4am, drove 2 1/2 hours to Athens, and had been sitting in seminars since 8am except for the hour break we took for lunch and the bus ride of death afterwards.  It was now close to 5pm and  this guy, who was over student housing passes out this magazine and tells us to please not look at it just yet, but to pay attention to what he has to say.  So I turn the magazine over so I won't be tempted to read it and I try my best to listen to this man.  I think I heard him say "Bueller... Ferris Bueller.... Bueller...  It is all I could  do to keep awake!  I caught myself doing the nap jerk on several occassions (you know when you start to doze off and your head falls forward and you jerk it up!)  I decide to look down at the magazine thinking surely there is something interesting to read that will keep me awake.  This man is obviously trying to keep us from the good stuff!  On the back there is a listing of all the dorms at UGA.  And next to each dorm it lists its amenities like if its co-ed, carpeted, has a sink in the room, what type of bathrooms etc.  Well I see where it it says Heat and Air Conditioning.  I was curious to see whether my son's dorm had air conditioning because he is living in the oldest dorm on campus. I  know this because it is described at "Historic Payne Hall"  Historic is code for OLD!  So anyway, my daughter and I are looking at the list and next to Payne Hall it says "AC ONLY".  So we are thinking what the heck?  No heat?  That's crazy!  And then on the list of things NOT to bring it said space heater.  No heat and space heaters are not allowed?  What kind of place is this?

So this guy finishes his talk and next up are some students to do a parent Q&A.  Many a boring question went out like "what is the one thing you wished you had in your dorm" , "should my child join a fraternity" or "how do we get tickets for the games".   Then my hand shot up! Oooh oooh ooh Mr. Kotter!  And I say, " my son will be living in Payne Hall and it says here that it has AC only.  So what does he do in the winter?  Should I pack a Snuggy?  Lots of sweaters?  An Electric Blanket?

                                                                        ..... crickets....

Okay, so apparently what AC Only means is that he will be able to control the temp of only the AC  in his room.  The heat is set the same for the whole dorm.  Oooooh!  Now I understand!  My daughter did jump to my defense and cry out "well this brochure is very deceiving!"  Thanks Tatty!  After the laughter died down and a few more less humorous questions were asked we were dismissed for dinner (only to have to return at 8:30 pm for another seminar, where we'd get to see our children again).  I made a quick stop in the ladies room before leaving and I heard snickering from the other stalls!  When I came out to wash my hands this lady next to me says "Bless your heart, you didn't want your baby to be cold!"  Now y'all know as well as I do that when a southern woman says "bless your heart..." she is really saying "you big dummy..."  Whatev!  You know you were thinking the same thing!

After dinner, we returned to campus once again for more information on UGA and at 10:30 p.m. we were dismissed to go to our lovely hotel.  My son stayed in the dorms with the other students.  Not Payne Hall though because they are renovating it.  Apparently, it is sinking.

So this morning I had put the whole Q&A debacle behind me and after the parents breakfast we went to meet up with our kids again at the Resource Fair.  There was table after table of information about every aspect of campus life. I was super interested in all the tables that were giving things away.  I came away with lots of plastic cups, ink pens, paper fans, refrigerator magnets and even a frisbee for the dog! Woo hoo!  Tabetha and Seth had walked on to another booth and when I caught up with them they were howling with laughter!  Apparently, at one of the student meetings last night one of the counsellors told this hillarious story about this mother who was worried about her sons dorm room not having any heat, and needing to know how many snuggies to bring! OMG!  Seth says, while he's listening to the story he's secretly praying that it was not his own mother who asked such.... but alas Seth it was!  That's right, it will be a story to go down in history.  It will be told at orientations for years to come.  Future students of Payne Hall will be packing snuggies just to be on the safe side!

So, somehow, I became the talk of the orientation!  Are y'all surprised?   Well bless your heart!